Unpunctual movie reviews: The final (hopefully) Twilight movie

Vampire United Nations of Uncomfortable Stereotyping

You know its fucking name.

Why do I keep watching the Twilight movies? I know they’ll be at least an hour too long thanks to all the lingering shots of lingering glances intended to delight a target audience I am old enough to have given birth to. Yet for some reason I actually look forward to watching them, only to remember at about ten minutes in how overwhelmingly tedious they are.

This is, I heard beforehand, finally the story where Kristen Stewart is allowed to actually play Bella having fun. The one where Bella gets to do more than pine. She can rip people’s heads off! And also fake-out ending full of bloodshed that makes the teenagers scream in the rage that only superfan teenagers can scream!

All that does happen, but mostly we just learn that only American and British vampires get to dress in clothes that don’t scream ethnic and cultural stereotypes.

I certainly don’t begrudge Michael Sheen his paycheck or his unapologetic scenery chewing, but every time he appeared on screen I wished I had chosen an Underworld movie instead, because while Underworld movies aren’t exactly high art either, at least actual stuff happens in them for more than ten minutes a pop.

Oh, and Jacob totally isn’t a pedo! He’s just uncanny-valleysexual.

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